The iGays Are Way Too Sick: TURN OFF THE LIFE SUPPORT!

WARNING: THIS POST IS ABOUT AS DARK AS I GET, DON’T READ IT WITHOUT HAVING YOUR GUARD UP. I’M ALSO WELL AWARE THERE ARE MORE ASPECTS TO GAY LIFE THAN JUST THIS PERSPECTIVE – BUT RIGHT NOW THIS IS THE ONE I’M GIVING SOME AIR TIME.

I literally have no hope left for the gay community. I’m 37, going on dead. I was born into a world of people, but I fear I will die in a world of internet-addicted, mindless animals. I came out in 1993, in Sydney, to a gay scene that was vibrant, colourful, out and proud. Here I sit not twenty years later, and the community has been decimated by the Internet. Completely, utterly decimated. As a whole, gays everywhere have become a sick group of animals who have completely lost their ability to interact on any authentic level, who have fearfully squashed themselves into simplified categories of drop-down boxes, and who banish entire groups of their own kind based purely on unwanted physical characteristics that do not fit the Gay-For-Pay Porn Model Image. We demand equal rights, but treat each other like sub-human animals, and worship the Straight Man as God-King.

We are an un-community. We have become a consumer product. We are the iGays. We have lost our souls. And we don’t even know it.

I have never felt more ugly, unworthy, and disgusting as I feel now. I have become so acutely self-conscious and lacking in esteem that if I actually venture out (despite this having become a pointless expedition of being ignored and judged, and watching small groups of gay males ignoring other small groups of gay males), I’m too uncomfortable to even dance anymore. I have no joy left in my life, because I have lost hope that I will ever share my life with another person. I look at other gay men, older than me, who have literally given up on life, and I used to condemn them, revolted by their apathy, but I am starting to understand them, understand why they feel so ripped off by this existence. They are labelled “bitter old queens”, but they deserve love and respect. Not everyone is strong enough to “keep on keeping on” in the face of this monstrously soulless life that is called Gay.

After having consumer culture rammed down our wide-open, cum-drenched throats for decades, after being heteronormalised to the point where we deride our own selves for being “gay”, our only desire has now become this:

It doesn’t matter what any of us look like – fat, ugly, beautiful, handsome, young, old, white, African, Asian, or whatever – THIS is the only acceptable partner for our lives. And if this is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE OPTION, then we are in a really bad state, because there is simply not enough of these Adonis Fantasy Men to go around.

We no longer see human beings and learn to love them, explore them, lock eyes with them and feel the exhilaration of romance and falling in love. We just log on to Grindr, the gay slot-machine, and repeatedly “load more guys” waiting for a jackpot that will never come. We are addicts, just like any common gamblers addicted to their machines. It doesn’t matter how many beautiful, similarly-tortured, like-minded souls send us a message, because unless they are this dude above, we are simply not interested.

We ignore, block, or prick-tease our way around our fellow brothers-in-pain, compounding the sense of self-hatred onto ourselves, and projecting it onto others. We salivate over these perfect guys, (perfect on the outside, not anywhere else), who exist only on our screens in porno fantasies. We throw ourselves repeatedly at them, we have childish tantrums if they ignore or reject us, and we pull our hair and wail about our accursed single-lives.

We deny our true desires, and claim we want only NSA FUN, because we don’t want to look needy and desperate, BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE ALL ARE. It’s also really convenient to claim we’re “not after a relationship” because it makes our job so much easier when we “accidentally” forget to message that last fuck back. There was nothing wrong with him, he was hot and sexy and made us cum, but he wasn’t our jackpot, he wasn’t our Knight in Shining Hot Top Masc Str8 Acting Armour come on a white horse, torso exposed, muscles rippling, cock large thick and hard, ready to pound us endlessly into a multi-orgasmic nirvana happily ever after till Cher turns back time (eeew a gay icon, that’s so gay, it’s making me soft to think about her! REAL MASC MEN ONLY. NO HOMO. NO FEM.)

We have denied an entire half of our sexuality (our versatility, the fact that we have a cock AND a hole) and become addicted to bottomness, searching endlessly for the Hot Masc Top to save us, refusing to ever supply the pleasure we are addicted to receiving. We have shoved ourselves into heteronormative gender roles of masculine and feminine, man and woman, husband and wife, top and bottom, big spoon and little spoon, pitcher and catcher, top bunk and bottom bunk, and LITERALLY HATE OURSELVES for it. Oh, we claim we are versatile, but first opportunity it’s legs up and open high in the air, come save me Top Tarzan Man! If we allowed ourselves some love and romance, as we once did, in our fledgling days of true pride, we might fall for a man deeply enough to want all of him, and to want to give all of ourselves, not just our holes. But nope! Our sex addicted bottom-selves won’t allow this, (after all love and romance, those aren’t “masc things”, those are girly concepts, right?), and it’s easier to just BLOCK, PULL THAT LEVER, LOAD MORE GUYS, JACKPOT? BLOCK, PULL THAT LEVER, LOAD MORE GUYS…

BLOCK. PULL THAT LEVER. LOAD MORE GUYS…. and then pull that trigger because right now, in 2012, a bullet seems preferable to looking at another headless, soulless torso with the word MASC written above it.

47 Comments

  1. who ever wrote that has pointed out a social phenomena that needs further research as I think that what he states can be proven fact!!!
    I would be interested if the writer has any back ground in social or cultural development and progress as also what he is saying could be considered to be anthropological of a still developing sub culture within a culture.

  2. This story is so true . Im 57 years of age and in the gay world even the cyberspace world I may as well be dead . In fact I have felt that way since my mid 30s . Even when I was young I felt like an outcast in the gay world because I was overweight and not very good looking . In fact when I was on the scene I hated myself and always felt totally alone and alienated . I left the gay scene when I was 30 which was the best thing I ever did . I now love myself and I have interests that I am passionate about . Life for me now is great . I still keep in touch with gay people via facebook where I have chatted to heaps of guys who feel the same as I do .

  3. Pingback: DailySquirt » Blog Archive » The iGays Are Way Too Sick: TURN OFF THE LIFE SUPPORT!

  4. I agree with much of this article and can certainly relate to the feelings of worthlessness the endless gym selfies and muscle torsos engender. However, I think these anxieties are as prevalent whether you are a top or a bottom; there are many tops or versatile guys out there who are similarly disheartened by the superficial gay culture. Your penultimate paragraph goes off-topic quite some way and I think damages the overall argument you’re trying to make.

  5. I absolutely love this article! It’s provocative and inspiring. I’ve learnt a thing or two as well so thank you Mr 37 year old. Not saying I agree with your perception of the gay world but it’s a great post nonetheless. Merry Christmas and hope you find your Knight in shining armour soon :) x

  6. Thank you for this article. I am completely against Grindr, Scruff, blah blah bloody blah. There’s the odd lovely guy who comes along and I admit, I’ve used them all before and made some excellent contacts from them, but that’s as far as it’s ever gone. The thought of screwing another faceless torso every day just makes me feel ill to my stomach. I too, stopped going out because of the same reasons you list above. I see it everywhere, I hear it when talking to friends. Who wants to live in that?

    Unlike you, however, I love my single life. I love being celibate and loving myself. I have wonderful friends who feel the same as their phones as I do, and we respect each other enough to look in each other’s eyes and interact. I don’t favour a bullet over my life, no matter how lonely it can be at times.

    I love and appreciate your life, for having the guts to say what so many of us think, but are afraid to put into print, and for saying what you’ll no doubt be berated by those same headless, nameless, judgemental asshats you speak of.

  7. Thank you so much for this. It’s pleasing to know I’m not alone here. This and other apps will not help our insecurities at all. I’m half tempted to remove Grindr off my iPad…

  8. Hey I’m Flabergasted. A FB friend of mine (in Australia) posted this on his wall. I’m currently living in Canada (I prefer to say Quebec) And I was reading this post and I was like…Wait I could have wrote almost the exact same thing.(Plus I’m 37, came out in 1991) Is it great cause now I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way or sad and discouraging cause it’s seem like the new «way of gay living» Romance is Dead (I’ll put some Morrissey as I wrote this…Maybe Some night I dreamt that somebody loved me and I’ll finish with Asleep) I do believe that the fact that I’m monogamous and romantic plays in the fact that I’m still single. Oh I also don’t go to the gym and don’t go out all the time popping pills. But I just can’t I won’t be brainwashed or become a «gay product» No way.
    Anyway I know we’re miles away but just thought I let you know that somewhere far away, where it’s cold and snowy There is someone who is feeling you.
    Good night mate (as you say)

  9. Absolutely amazing … I agree 100% with everything that you’ve mentioned.
    We’re falling into this nothingness which is making us so dizzy that we’re losing consciousness of our senses and of our selves. Looking for instant satisfaction that will leave our apartment as soon as we’re done and then we’re on to the next one if we’re still horny because asking the same guy to stay would make us sound needy.
    It is a fucked up system and it’s incredibly sad to see it play out the way it is playing out. There is no more genuineness or authenticity or sincerity left in people. It’s all about the consuming … more and more … the ego rejoices in all its glory when we reject someone based on whatever aspect that is not in line with our shallow, materialistic and meaningless preferences.

  10. This article hits the nail on the head with alot of the gay lifestyle on the head.

    Its incredible how its like the lottery, which these gamblers don’t even know they have a problem.

    I am only 25 and have now been in a relationship for 4 years. And I wouldn’t of lasted if I did what everyone else does.

    I do remember what the community used to be like in Australia, it was going to a gay nightclub and celebrating who you were cause society thought homosexuality was a mental illness. Now these days the community has turn into a catwalk on steroids……with a horrible message of “If he shows his feeling about me, then that must mean that I can do better”.

  11. I agree with this 100%. I am ashamed of what our culture has become. Even 40 years after Stonewall there is still internalized homophobia clouding our judgement. I believe and through research have found that gay men are still trying to out-perform straight people with better jobs, bodies, fashion, cars, etc etc. Internally gay men still feel inferior to heteros and so must berate each other for not having that 6-pack. I am doing a dissertation on gay men with physical disabilities in society and the research so far (although extremely scant) points to disabled men feeling outright rejection among the gays, and shunned by the gay community for looking different, dressing different, talking different, and not having proper accommodations in gay venues. Disabled men face so much depression for being outcasted, as gay men in general are not welcoming to difference.

    I have made the above argument many times and this fact hasn’t changed for years. I wonder what we can do to alter these impossible perceptions that gay men have to be perfect or no coffee date. For now I recommend meetup.com to find gay groups that actually have normal people.

  12. I used to belong to a really awesome LGBT forum. Now and then, the odd romance bloomed from it, but it wasn’t a place for sex, it was a place for friendship and support. It’s closed down now, but a little community of us from that forum does still exist. But I don’t know if any places exist like that on the internet. I hope they do, especially for young people.

    I have never used Grindr, though I did download it once out of curiosity. I found it creepy and weird, much like it is described in this article, so I deleted it.

  13. We are partners and happily now exempt from the disappointment you have noted in the dated scene however agree that the gay culture on the dating scene is undermined by websites like grindr and gaydar etc. We met through a particular website with similar interests and things in common that were primarily important to us but felt that the gay scene, particularly in manchester, birmingham and london were not suitable places to find dates, although this was not always the case 10 years ago. The salt lick that is grindr needs to be boycotted. It promotes illness; physical and mental .. i feel that now this has been celebrity endorsed by people we otherwise respect (stephen fry etc) who to be frank may be great people, but fall foul of the scenes code of physicality.. Ironic really they are happy to encourage the freak show that is publicized openly in the media.. there are gay rights agendas being overlooked and encouraging the demise of a fantastic creative and talented culture from progressing. We have gay marriage, but really we all feel gay culture is now more underground than it was in the 90′s with 18-60 yo meeting incognito with no genuine likelihood of embracing their emotions into a strong relationships.
    Gay bars were worst affected by the recession, and the rebirth is not pretty. Older gay men are now less likely to be involved in the gay community which is a terrible indication of the reality of the scene.
    Stonewall and other gay rights lobbyists are missing the point today. Gay pride is being marginalized to a marketable conformity and so long as this is the case gay rights in other countries and at home will become susceptible to regression rather than liberalization.

  14. This is the same old complaint I have heard over the last few decades, it is now just wrapped up in a Grinder/Internet gift bow. As gay men grow older they are regulated to the expired section of the meat market. It used to be cruising bath houses and abandoned buildings for “perfect” bodies while the old queens went to the piano bar. Rest areas and then on to the personals section of the newspaper. Coded handkerchiefs and keys worn on the right or left side. It is all the same. The young are hot and think it will always be that way. They feel invincible and are raging with hormones and newly coming out. One day the bars seem smokier and louder then they did just the week before and you clothes don’t fill out the way you would prefer. Get near 40 and you enter a whole different discriminating gay life. That what happens if you decide to stay a “boi” forever.

    The internet has brought together many wonderful gays that felt they were in the minority. The bears now find it easier to find other bears without the disdain of the twinks. There are sites for gay geeks, campers and every group you can imagine. The internet is just another tool used by a community that is human in it’s selfishness (it always has been). I met my husband on a website. It was not for cruising but for friends and I am ever thankful this tool was there to help us find each other. The attitude has not changed in the gay community, you are just finally seeing it from the other side. If you want substance, look inside yourself to find it. The internet is just a tool and you can choose how to use it. People are human and old age is part of life that can be as depressing or exhilarating as you decide to create your own future.

  15. I’ve commented already but after reading some of the other comments I feel the need to add another. It’s amazing to see after a year later that this blog post is shared by like-minded people (10K+ on Facebook). So Mr 37 year old (38 now right?) <3 to you for showing that you're not the only one who feels this way and I applaud you. I could only dream of my articles having the same impact as yours, like the one I wrote similar to this titled "The Art of Dating Men". Perhaps with all these "agreements" of "nailing it on the head" we will soon see that instead of asking for change, people reading this will BE the change – it has been a year after all. I'm not one to be able to comment further because I have a differing experience of the "gay world" ie. I'm not one look for love on Grindr… but your experience is definitely obviously prevalent and your article is powerful enough to influence others. Glad to know you and other like-minded gays exist more than I thought before this post came to my attention. It's inspiring me to write more. Thanks again!

  16. I feel your pain, brother. I’m 60 years old, HIV+ and poor. In American gay life that’s pretty much the trifecta of doom. Like you, I grieve over the descent into shallowness that has overcome gay people–but I would add that, viewing the social world at large, it’s not just a gay problem. Postmodernist life denies the possibility of depth. All of us have been commodified, lulled into idiocy, and trained very carefully to cooperate with the status quo. The power structure has trained us always to keep looking for a way to discern the difference between us and them. It’s a simple system, and yet it keeps most of us utterly paralyzed. We have been trained to stop dreaming.

    That doesn’t mean you have to keep cooperating. Find ways to rebel. It may not get you anywhere, but it just might make you feel better. One of my own most difficult challenges has been to learn, really and truly, to love myself. Maybe that lesson constitutes the one form of rebellion open to anyone who isn’t content to live a life of dullness. I don’t know any more than anyone else, but I haven’t given up. Keep looking for what you love, keep finding a way to express gratitude for what you have, ask your soul to lead you to your integrity, and above all else, do what you can to keep yourself open to beauty. These are the things I come back to–always errant, always stumbling, always full of doubt.

  17. i’m 31 in a college town. I’m for all intents and purposes dead to most of the men here. even the older ones seem to want younger and can usually get it with enough incentive. i often think about moving, but my job, house, and family are here. i rarely go out anymore because, even though there a new set of homos every 4 years, it’s all the same archetypes over and over, stuck on an endless repeat of shallow. I use Grindr and other apps, but it’s so disheartening when within the first 3 questions someone starts to ask you for stats, what you’re into, dick size, etc. the majority of sex for me is mental. the flirtation is half the fun. ok, i’m stopping. i’m rambling. have a nice day :)

  18. i call it the mail room pigeon boxing…. im in total agreeance of the article. What happened to getting to know people? old fashion dating? conversations? or is it a case of box not fit and give the flick and thats it. Hrmmm harsh world out there i think. Being gay is hard enough. I think thats enough said. Oh one more…. no indian no asians fattys oldies skinnys sissys bears and chubs. Is that really necessary to advertise? Is there not a better way to state what you do want then being so callous and harsh. #rethink…. 2013 we are fighting for gay marriage rights and equality. #rethink next time what you say may hurt somebody and the community that is currently supporting you right this minute…. just a thought- thats all.

  19. I disagree with some of this. I’m 66 and I live alone. I would love to have someone to share my life and love. I have my family, I’m out over 40 years.
    Personally, I think if we dwell on the negative it will overcome the positive.
    It is true that for so many the cyber world seems to be controlling too many as a way of life. That is their choice. It does not have to be. We all make our own choices and if Grinder, scruff and the rest of the cyber hook up places are a way of life, it’s by choice.
    Seems as though you have taken this to heart and made a conscious choice to avoid it. Good for you. So long as you keep yourself positive about life, you will be thrive. You see one of the most beautiful things about our brain is that we have the ability to control each and every thought and we only have the ability to think ONE thought at any one moment. By controlling what that thought is, determines our mental condition. When a negative thought sneaks in, as quickly as possible, change that thought to something else. Even if it’s something as simple as holding a thought about the picture of a baby or cloud. Doesn’t matter what thought we substitute for the negative one. We can only think ONE thought at any one time and we DO CONTROL those thoughts!
    I hope your outlook changes and you start to look only at the positive accomplishments of past, present and future GLBT people, God Bless you, Blessed Be or Positive thoughts coming your way, Whichever fits your needs!! HUGZ
    Bern

  20. I want to know this writer!! He has put everything I have seen about the “internet addicted gay generation” into the most descriptive, eloquent, cutting words possible and EVERY SINGLE THING HE SAYS IS FACT!!!!!!! I have realized for the last 5-7 years that the internet, and even prior to “apps” like Grindr, Scruff, etc. have COMPLETELY desensitized the generation behind me. I am 39 yrs old and came out when this writer came out and am his generation. We have had the same experience and I fear, as he does, there is no going back. The next generation is TOO ADDICTED to the fantasy of the guy on the smartphone screen who is 23 and “in an open relationships!!!””” WHAT THE FUCK??????!!!!!!!! WHAT 23YR OLD needs or should be in an open fucking relationsihp??????!!!!! At 23 you should be with the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th “love of your life!!” and fucking mercilessly all day everyday….but you and the “love of your life” are too addicted to your fucking Grindr to put it down while you’re eating dinner looking for a Top to come fuck you both. It’s REVOLTING and the “gay community” which I never felt a part of anyway is now even more something I want nothing to do with. I don’t think it will get any better and fear it will only get worse because “most” gay men are pleasure obsessed (guilty), selfish (sometimes guilty), visual whores (guilty) who now can’t think of anything else (not guilty). I want to start a MOVEMENT with this writer and change the gay world…….how?

  21. this is so true! i really dont like the cliquish gay community that most cities seem to have these days. i find better comfort and acceptance in smaller groups of like minded guys who dont need (nor enjoy) the bar scene to thrive as a gay man and dont need the fluff that comes with being a bar-troll. When I first came out, even back 12 years ago, it was a much different place where people actually knew each other on a level other than, “oh, that queen,” and actually had a sense of community. Today the gay world is filled with a mess of trashy uber-douchy guys who all think they are better than everyone else.

  22. the gay scene everywhere fell into this cycle recently, its sad, but true… the best way to avoid being hurt by it is to think ‘whats next?!’… we’ll all get to a conclusion that it will end in a bad way, so for me i just stay away from the gay scene, focus on work and daily life, the only benefit i got from the new gay stereotype is that i started going to gym and it became part of my life, i started for the wrong reasons, but continued for the right ones. i stopped using Grindr or going after “meeting guys” from these apps, there is still a need (i feel) to share my life with some1… some1 to love, to give him my attention, and receive the same… until this happen (or not) i will continue living my life isolating myself from the gay scene.

  23. Thank you for writing this article I have felt the same way for many years and wanted to write but didn’t think anyone felt the same way so I am very happy to see and read the positive comments and know that I am not the only gay man that feels this way. There is hope. To add to this article I would have touched based on gay men being in open relationships while on these sites as well. Yes, we have lost our souls and have become a bunch of followers just to fit in. Just because something is being done by someone else does’t make it write. Very sad how our fellow brothers and sisters fought for us to get to where we are today in this world and this is how we treat one another. Thanks again

  24. It’s so amazing how this article sounds just life “slavery”. I, who have been in the “eye” of gay men during my 20′s (now 31), completely understand this as a logical; illogical way to ruin the gay community. I have been told many times that if you don’t “get out & get to know people” you will end up lonely…….It’s strange how lonely it has been only being the attraction to those that “thought” of a person as piece of ass.
    As the generation changes, it’s no wonder that people don’t go out for fun anymore. If “fun” only last for that “2-5 minutes” (b/c of drunkenness/mollies), then it’s not worth destroying the evening.

  25. This article hits the nail on the head, but the problem is the author and most of the commentators here have hit their 30s or beyond. Most gay guys don’t reach this kind of wisdom until that age – but at that point its like trying to get a refund on a coffee machine you’ve used for 10 years.

  26. I have never really thought that much about how we “gays” look at each other. But I have to agree that this is truly what is happening. Diets, clubs, bars, grindr, A4A, etc are all the things that we are all doing! The age of the smartphone put an end to true social interaction.

  27. While I may be on the younger side (29), I have had the chance to see a bit of the transformation from ultra-strong gay community to a more integrated gay/straight community in Boston over the last decade.

    I can tell you this: every single person who has used grindr or scruff extensively becomes bitter about it – and justifiably so. It’s a shallow place where you are ignored simply because of a picture.

    Other forms of online technology, however, have brought our community together in different ways. OkCupid/Match for dating sites, Facebook for activist groups, various blogs and news sites for immediate updates on LGBT equality, and Meetup for simple social groups all have growing usage trends that evolved out of the Craigslist/Grindr/Manhunt space.

    When I arrived in Boston, most gay men and women stuck to the handful of gay bars in the city. Now, however, half of those bars are closed and you’re more likely to see gay men and women in an integrated setting, where you are friends with people despite sexual orientation – not because of it.

    That vibrant gay community that you speak of was born and raised in a time period where gay men and women more than likely had to gather together for socialization out of protection or rejection from the social circles of straight men and women. It was in this space that all of the varying and diverse needs and desires of gay men and women were met. Now, however, a more integrated society that is more accepting drove younger and younger gay men and women across all different areas of the social spectrum. No longer centralized, some needs and desires were not met. To fill that void, someone created Manhunt/Grindr/Scruff/etc. Those are just generation one tools. Only the next decade or so will determine what will replace them. Hell… Meetup already has started to replace them.

    In the meantime, those who feel rejected, like you, writer, should do exactly what you’re doing: make your voice heard so the problem(s) are noticed and resolved.

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