I’ve been thinking about all this unconsciousness going around in the gay community these days. This whole insecurity-driven obsession with being “masc” – ugh, that term is so sad! – with being some kind of “real bloke”.
There are so many of these men around, and its frightening to think that the more legal rights our homosexuality is awarded, the more unconscious and unevolved, as a group, we have become.
I’ve been thinking about the hysterical aggression aimed at me by many of these “masc” men (or sympathisers) at the mere thought that someone could challenge their unconscious addiction to “proving their manhood” to society (a society, to be sure, that will always just think of them as being something less than a man).
What kind of pitfalls do these sorts of unconscious men pose for the rest of us out in the land of dating? Think about it for a minute.
These men are trying their hardest to measure up to an ideal of masculinity. To do so, they often imitate straight men (by entering into traditionally masculine trades, or engaging in aggressive sports such a rugby or mixed martials arts). I don’t have a problem with any men engaging in these activities – my only issue is the motivation behind it.
We forget that the heterosexual male is not naturally so “straight acting”. The heterosexual male is conditioned to behave in a certain manner, just like we are, throughout his boyhood and adolescence. The heterosexual male imitates his peers and elders, and works hard on deepening his voice, removing inflection from his words, becoming proficient in a masculine skill, sport, or trade, and expressing himself as a potent alpha. This does not come naturally (despite the ludicrous suggestions of some self-hating gays I’ve heard, i.e. that testosterone makes men naturally behave in this manner – I say again LUDICROUS).
So here we have this entire group of gay men who are imitating heterosexual men, claiming it to be “just my natural expression”, and wreaking havoc on the rest of us as a result.
Well, has any of you tried to have a relationship with these people? I have (unfortunately). Luckily thanks to my views on the subject it doesn’t take long to work out that I’m dealing with an unconscious guy who will only emotionally and spiritually abuse me. For many others, though, they get involved for months, even years, and the resulting head-fuck can be extremely damaging to their lives.
Having a relationship with an unconscious “straight actor” can only lead to one place – hell on earth. You’ll become drained as an individual, constantly under the scrutiny of your “masc” boyfriend, who is always finely tuned to any expression that is not “straight acting” or “masc” enough.
Your voice (does it sound too gay?), your opinions (are they “normal”?), the way you walk (is it like a man?), what you do for a living (is it a gay profession?), who your friends are (are they too gay?) The list goes on, and on, and on.
I’ve experienced this several times and it’s not fun, and certainly not pretty. Ultimately, you will do something “too gay” that triggers your unconscious boyfriend, and he will grow instantly distant or dump you. “It’s just not working out”, or “I just don’t really feel it” or simply he stops returning your texts.
You see, if you are real, if you are your authentic self, and true to your heart and soul, then you pose a threat to the delicate, fragile masc-o-sphere that has been carefully, painstakingly created by the unconscious “straight actor”.
His repressed issues are projected onto you. He has not learned to become comfortable with being non-heterosexual, and that will become your problem. He is so insecure about his sexuality, and that will become your problem. He is still trying to make sure everyone in the world knows he’s not one of those types of bad faggotty gays, just a “normal bloke who happens to get turned on by other normal blokes”, and that will become your problem.
Every time he detects some “gay acting” (in any form), the issue is triggered. He may not let you know he’s been triggered, but trust me, he is keeping a score of all those little faggotty things you do.
Before the whole chorus of “straight actors” comes a-whinin’, let me say there are always exceptions to these rules, but they are in the minority.
So be warned, the next time the perfect man of your dreams comes along, just ask yourself, “how perfect is he, really?” You have to be careful. Is he driving that ute, working on that construction site, listening to that rock band, owning that big dog, wearing those overalls, walking, talking, and thinking like a “real bloke” because that’s who he is, or because that’s who he wishes he could be?
How can you tell the two apart? The warning signs are clear. Does he:
– complain or show disgust towards effeminate men?
– say things like “I don’t like the scene / pride marches” because of the ways “queers” shove it in everyone’s face.
– use language that would sound homophobic if it came from a heterosexual’s mouth?
– slut-shame gays and gay culture (statements like “they’re so disgusting and filthy, and give each other diseases”).
This is not a comprehensive list, just a good place to start.
If there’s anything I have learned from starting this blog, it’s that internalised homophobia is a cancer, and it’s a cancer most self-described “masc” men refuse to acknowledge, and refuse to stop clinging to. It is their security blanket in a world that proclaims “Gays are Wrong/Bad/Unnatural/Disgusting”.
Save yourself the pain and effort, and keep looking for someone who doesn’t unconsciously hate themselves, you, and your community.