When I was younger I wanted a boyfriend who I could spend my life with. Just one guy, to share every experience and every thought and feeling with. Such a lovely dream, isn’t it? I never once questioned these desires – they were MINE! I thought of them, I wanted them, no one’s gonna tell me different. It’s only NATURAL, after all.
(Society nods in agreement – yes, a secure, loving monogamous relationship, ooohhhh yes yes yes, very good, did you know humans are one of the very few monogamous species on the planet, ooohhhh yes yes yes, monogamy, so healthy, so loving, the building blocks of a healthy society, oooohhhh yes yes yes…)
I’m 37 now, and even though I realized a while back that monogamy was in fact a social construct (a bullshit lie if you will) its still all I wanted. But finally, lately, I’ve started to imagine myself in relationships with men where sexual fidelity isn’t the top priority. And it feels…. Normal. Natural, even.
Back to Grindr, and the men who ab(use) it. One scan through the Grindr tags here on Tumblr and you will see men slut-shaming and carrying on about men they don’t think are attractive – fat men, older men, Asian men, Hispanic men, black men, effeminate men, etc.
If one of their dream “straight acting” men were to message them asking for a fuck, their legs would be sky high in a millisecond. But a guy that doesn’t fit their porno white ideal becomes the subject of ridicule and shame.
They don’t realise that the amount they shame the men they aren’t attracted to is directly proportionate to the amount of shame they feel about themselves. Self-assured individuals don’t slut-shame, fat-shame or race-shame. Their level of self-worth isnt related to how often they throw a tantrum about men they don’t like who find them attractive.
As usual it all boils down to this heteronormative condition all of us endure. If we can see this for what it is, a huge, socially constructed pile of horse-shit, we could start fulfilling our desires in a more natural, fulfilling manner.
Instead of waiting for THE ONE to come flying at us through our iPhone screens, and viciously making a mockery of anyone who doesn’t fit your narrow ideal (that was implanted onto you from birth), why not try thinking about who you are, minus your brainwashing. Because like it or not, the brainwashing is there, and we all have to deal with it.
If someone on the street paid you a compliment, you wouldn’t spit in their face, so why do you do it online? I know where the shame really sits.