Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Running a gay porn blog on tumblr, I’ve seen a ton of posts about homophobia, racism, etc on Grindr. I didn’t even know about Grindr UNTIL tumblr.
So the problem that most people have about this site, is when guys have in their descriptions things like “no fems. No Asians.” and so on.
Let’s start with the homophobia claim.
I just can’t seem to find issue with words like “fems” or phrases like “masc guys only.” it is simply the preference of the person. And on a dating site, they are entitled to have preferences. I don’t find this offensive on any level and am not sure why people have such a problem with labels. If you are confident in yourself and who you are, the shouldn’t matter. Plus, you should thank these guys. Now you know that they’re douches and you deserve better.
The racist claim is uncalled for. But again guys have their preferences. Even if they don’t put negative things in their descriptions, they will still not be interested in you. Racist people for the most part will always be racist. It’s a very deep rooted state of mind. Even If it isn’t on paper, it’s still in the subconscious. Again, you should thank these guys. Would you rather find out later that they’re assholes?
Racism will always exist. It’s not okay. But it just will.
Lastly, I don’t know what you expect from a site like Grindr. Since I’m not all too familiar with dating sites in general, I can imagine most of these guys only want a fuck buddy or a quick hook up. Let these guys have their preferences. Don’t rain on their parade. Honestly we have bigger masses of people to worry about than hot guys who don’t want a certain type. I’d like to say again that racism is always uncalled for and never justified. However, you have the power to not let it affect you. That is, on a scale as small as Grindr.
Guys will like who they like. If they don’t have it in their description, you’ll just end up getting your feelings hurt. And preferences are to no fault of these guys. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. Simple as that.
Again if there is any offensive content in someone’s profile, know that you deserve better. That is all.
Hmmm, I don’t think you should be crucified for writing this. I can see where you are coming from, but as I read through this post I found myself thinking: this guy needs to look into the subject more.
It’s obvious you’re not a bigotted fool, which is why I could read through what you wrote without my blood boiling! But I just think you are so new to these concepts and what you wrote was your first reaction to them. It’s a common reaction, but there are so many flaws in your statements. Nothing to be ashamed of though, just hoping you can read this and a few other things with an open mind to see that there is a lot more to this subject than meets the eye.
I absolutely agree that the guys who write racist and/or homophobic comments on their profiles are doing us a favour on some level, in terms of exposing themselves as the douchebags they are. I also commend you for not finding these terms and behaviours bothersome, for being able to rise above them. You are very chilled, obviously, and that’s a pretty good quality.
But… and its a big BUT!!! …
What you’re forgetting is that the racist language has a really big impact on gay people of colour. Not only do they have to deal with being gay, they also have to deal with a very large number of profiles telling them they are undesirable. This has massive psychological effect on many people of colour, and it is for that reason it’s such an unacceptable thing. Yes, most racists will always be racist. The point is not to try and change what cannot be changed. The point is to prevent them using the language that hurts so many people. We can’t force them to change their views against their wills, but at the same time people should not have to be confronted with their ignorance and bigotry when they log into Grindr.
Falling back on the old “freedom of speech” argument is not good enough. Which one is more important? One’s freedom to insult an entire race of people, or that race’s right to live a peaceful life free of one’s insults?
Now, I’m going to make an assumption here and guess that you are white. If you are actually a person of colour I’m sorry for assuming otherwise. But I’ve met white people who said to me, “What’s wrong with people writing No Asians on Grindr? It doesn’t offend me when I read that.” Yes! I have met people who ACTUALLY said that!!! And my reply? “Of course it doesn’t offend you! Why would it? You’re not Asian!” So please try to be mindful when you tell people what they should and should not be offended by. Instead, let them tell you what they find offensive, and why they find it offensive. Listen to them with an open mind and you might understand, just 1% at least, what its like to walk in their shoes and be told at every turn “You’re ugly, I don’t find you physically attractive.” Us white people spend too much time telling people of colour what they should think and believe and feel. We need to spend more time listening to what people of colour have to say about these things.
The same goes for the homophobic language. I am FUCKING PROUD of my sexuality. I am happy being who I am. The people who follow my blog are the same. Why should we have to deal with homophobic language every time we log into Grindr, or any other gay dating site? This language reflects society’s conditioning that all of us have had to endure. Conditioning that says being straight is better than being gay, that being gay means to be a “fem/queen/girl/faggot” and that these things are undesirable. Conditioning that says unless you’re “straight” there’s something wrong with you. It’s an insult to come to any non-heterosexual space, whether that be online or in the physical world, and have to endure the insults and slights of the straight world at the hands of other gay men. Once again, its fantastic that this doesn’t get to you personally, but it gets to me, and it gets to a lot of other people. It’s depressing. It makes me miserable. It makes me feel that after all these years we as a community are getting nowhere, and it makes me feel that the homophobia of society has gotten so invasive that my gay brothers are regurgitating it when they should be rejecting it. every time I see “NO FEMMES, NO QUEENS, NO GIRLY GUYS, NO POOFS, NO LIMP WRISTS, NO LISPS” on a profile I am reminded just how much damage the hetero world has done to all of us, and I think we are really losing the fight against homophobia. This, in and of itself, is enough to call for it to end.
You also fall into the “its just a preference / people are entitled to their preferences” loop. My blog, and the argument myself and others are making, is not for people to change their sexual preference. No one is being accused of being racist if they are not attracted to Asians or Indians or any other race. That is not what’s being said at all. What is being said is there’s a difference between “preference” and “prejudice”. There’s also a difference between not being attracted to a race of people (however close-minded that might appear to some), and broadcasting on your public profile for the whole world to see how unattracted you are to that race.
No harm will come to you if you remove NO ASIANS on your profile. No Asian males will be chasing you down the street, pinning you down, forcing you to take viagra, and then ride-raping your cock. Not gonna happen! The worst thing that could happen is a gay Asian male will send you a message. And if that happens, you can react in the same way you would if a white male who didn’t fit your “preferences” messaged you – you would either ignore the message or say “thanks, but not thanks”. Easy. Not hard at all. It’s so easy not to offend.
So to say “everyone is entitled to their preferences” ignores something just as important, and that is “everyone is entitled to enter a non-heterosexual space that is free of race-, gender-, and sexuality-based forms of discrimination.”
As for your comments about Grindr itself – sure, a large majority of its use is for hooking up. But its not just that. Its a way for isolated gay men to meet others. It’s a way for people to meet and exchange ideas. I’ve met many platonic friends on Grindr, as well as meeting people for sex. I’ve met people all around Australia who I wouldn’t have met without Grindr. I’ve started relationships through Grindr! So when you say its just for people who “want a fuck buddy”, you’re once again triviliasing something that means more than that to a lot of people. Like you said yourself, you didn’t even know about Grindr until Tumblr.
There’s so much for you to explore and read, on my blog and elsewhere. I hope you can do it with an open mind, and spend a little time contemplating why these things offend so many people. You might even want to contemplate why it is these things don’t offend you, when maybe they should? Just a thought…
Blah blah blah we get it, you’re scared people can tell you’re gay…
If you DO LIKE the term “str8 acting” chances are you’re:
1. very insecure about your sexuality;
2. intensely insecure about being the receptive partner in homosexual anal sex (i.e. a bottom), so much so that most of the time you lie to other people a claim you’re “strictly top”;
3. unaccepting of the diversity of the non-heterosexual community because you fear not being accepted for who you are by heterosexuals;
4. so damaged from being brought up in a heteronormative, homophobic environment that you try to imitate heterosexuals and their homophobia as a way of fitting in;
5. frightened that other people can tell that you are gay and dislike you for that;
6. unaware that the only reason you can show your face on Grindr and make these insulting statements without fear of losing your job, being bashed, ridiculed, or murdered is because all the “queens” you hate so much stood up for their rights and yours and copped the brunt of homophobia at the beginning of the gay rights movement, and are still doing this for you today (you disrespectful creature);
7. going to deny all of these statements because the truth of them makes you so frightened it gives you nightmares.
DEAR “STR8 ACTORS”: NO ONE’S BUYING YOUR CRAP ANY MORE. STOP INSULTING MY SEXUALITY AND START ACCEPTING YOUR OWN.
Which of the four acceptable gays are you: Masc Musc, Discreet, Straight Acting, or Normal?