So you just downloaded and installed the Grindr app for Gay, Bi, and Curious Men. Here is your all-inclusive guide on how to operate and use your new app.
First, you must choose a screenname. Your first inclination might be to use your first name. Do not do so. You want your name to be something nonsensical or related to something no one cares about.
Next, you’ll need to upload a photo for your newly named profile. Again, your first instinct will be to upload a photo of yourself. Avoid this. You want your profile to either be your headless torso, or a picture of tulips, a sunset, a dock, a waterfall, some rocks, or anything that is not a pic of you.
You’ll also need to set up your physical stats and a small “About Me” now. Lie about your height, weight, and age. Your headline should be pompous, yet endearing about yourself. And example would be: “Hot Stud looking 4 action” or something that makes you seem like a total dick. Next will be your brief intro. You want to use this space wisely. Talk about the people you don’t want to talk to. Like fat guys, or feminine guys. Be sure to abbreviate those longer words. Fems and fats are good. Also inform everyone how much you can bench, how “str8 actin” you are, or insert your favorite quote from some hit sitcom about a gay dude and his hag.
Now your profile is all set up. It’s time to start hitting on guys. Fine a suitable man to speak with. Be sure to find the hottest guy on there, because personality doesn’t mean anything. Your first inclination may be to say “hello” followed by small talk. Do NOT do this. Instead, send him a picture of your penis or asshole. When he responds, be sure to keep your responses short and sweet. Abbreviate words like “you,” “are,” and “for,” with “u,” “r,” and “4.” This saves both you and him time. You want to ignore all rules of grammar and sentence structure.
Looks like he’s interested! Now comes the best part. Instead of meaningful conversation, dating, or long term relationships, you get a short, embarrassing session of meaningless sex. Again, you may feel like you want to meet the guy in person, make sure he is who he says he is, see if there is any sexual chemistry, and make sure he doesn’t kill you. No, no, no! You will want to dive in instantly and meet him in either a public restroom, an empty lot, or a hotel room. Common sense is soooooo lame.
Congrats! You just used Grindr successfully! Keep repeating this and I can almost guarantee you will be getting your dick wet nightly.
This guide was brought to you by Todd Manley. Hope it helps! Happy Grinding!