“Stop looking for love. Let it find you” … Yeah Thanks Aunty, But No


Advice I’d heard before, but had never really taken head to until my aunt told me it personally.

She helped me a lot today.

Here’s some key points I think you guys should follow, too:

1. Don’t go looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend. When you look like you’re looking instead of having fun, people will not be interested. When you like you’re fun and a good time to be around, people will be interested in you.

2. Don’t be insecure. You are your greatest enemy. Be confident in yourself and the skills you have, and don’t care if someone is more attractive or better at this or that.

3. If the first kiss sucks, get out now. It’s a preview of things to come.

4. If the first kiss is good, don’t jump right into it. Be wary and keep your cool.

5. Get off grindr and all of those other dating things. Go out and really meet people.

6. Don’t let people use you. At some point, when you meet someone you really like, they’ll be turned off by the fact that you’ve been with all of these people.

7. Finally, and this is my advice alone, follow your gut. When something feels wrong, stop it. When it feels tight, don’t rush, but don’t back away.


I understand the sentiment of this sort of advice, and I am not attacking the original poster here, but its really not something to treat as gospel. These are old rules for old heterosexuals, and they do not apply to us. A lot of it is just right out of the Pop Psychology for Heteros 101 handbook.

“Don’t look for love, don’t be insecure, judge everything on a first kiss, but don’t rush anything, don’t have too much sex otherwise it will turn people off you, follow your gut.”

This sort of advice really doesn’t apply to non-heterosexuals. Firstly the whole, don’t go looking for love thing. I accept being content within yourself is a great thing, but this whole “if you’re looking for love you must be insecure” idea is rubbish. Also, if it finds you, then does that mean the person who “finds you” is insecure? Logically, this does not make sense. You can be secure within yourself, AND still look for love. In fact, if you believe in the concept of positive manifestation, then if you don’t desire it and actively work towards it, it won’t materialise. So I say, go look for love if you want it!

Don’t be insecure? Are you kidding me? Oh, ok thanks Aunty, I will simply switch off my insecure button and BAM! Not insecure anymore! Lol. We are humans, we are all insecure on some level, all our lives. Saying don’t be insecure is like saying don’t breath. 

Judge everything based on a first kiss? Oh ok, so this amazing guy comes along, with a wonderful personality, who is really great and who turns you on. Unfortunately he isn’t that great a kisser. Maybe he doesn’t have that much experience? Or maybe you two just haven’t really worked out how to physically connect yet. Life isn’t a Hollywood movie afterall. But no, Aunty says if the first kiss isn’t good, DUMP HIM.

Aunty also says don’t have to much sex, (“don’t let people use you” – seriously?) because your future potential partners will lose respect for you if they find out how many people you have slept with. Oh My Goodness where is this advice coming from? The 1950’s? Yes, an era where women were completely oppressed, where they were shamed and disowned if they fell pregnant, where they “lost market value” if they were “loose”. Oh yes, this is great advice to be handing out to the gays! Lots of women were compelled to be virgins before marriage, and were condemned to a lifetime of bad, unfulfilling sex lives due to lack of compatibility with their husbands and lack of experience with other men. This is ridiculous. Human sexuality should be enjoyed and experienced to the full, and just because heteronormative society has attempted to repressed each and every one of us on this level doesn’t mean it is right. Slut shaming shows insecurity on the part of the slut-shamer. Nothing more, nothing less. Have as much consensual sex as you want. In fact it will make you a better lover when you do meet a partner, and it will make you more confident, more relaxed, more empathetic, more able to respond to your partners sexual and emotional needs, and many more amazing things I can’t think of on the spot! Don’t let people use you? Oh honey stop listening to your Aunty!

The whole “get off Grindr” thing is only applicable in certain circumstances. And it just smacks of “internet isn’t real”, when in fact its a major way people communicate. Always treating it as this artificial place trivialises the connections people make online, and at the same time trivialises the negative behaviour that occurs online as well. The internet is here to stay, and we need to find ways of making Grindr work for us. Particularly for people who live in isolated communities, for people who are shy, for people who do not like to drink (remember, there’s not that many places outside of bars and clubs where non-heterosexuals can “go out and really meet people”). Also, these bars and clubs are sexualised environments, just like Grindr. Furthermore, they aren’t that conducive to quality connections because people tend to be drunk or on drugs. Grindr has its drawbacks, but so do the other places in the “real world” where non-heterosexuals can safely meet. 

So no, I don’t think “getting off Grindr” is really a piece of good advice at all. It might be good advice from your heterosexual Aunty who had no problems meeting other heterosexuals in her every day life (because they are literally everywhere), but its not that applicable to us queers.

Heterosexual rules for heterosexuals. The heterosexual world DOES NOT FIT ANY OF US! We need new rules for a new, non-heterosexual people! Stop trying to fit into their world, it will only cause you pain.