Get ready, unpopular opinion time.

agaywaterbender:

Running a gay porn blog on tumblr, I’ve seen a ton of posts about homophobia, racism, etc on Grindr. I didn’t even know about Grindr UNTIL tumblr.

So the problem that most people have about this site, is when guys have in their descriptions things like “no fems. No Asians.” and so on.

Let’s start with the homophobia claim.

I just can’t seem to find issue with words like “fems” or phrases like “masc guys only.” it is simply the preference of the person. And on a dating site, they are entitled to have preferences. I don’t find this offensive on any level and am not sure why people have such a problem with labels. If you are confident in yourself and who you are, the shouldn’t matter. Plus, you should thank these guys. Now you know that they’re douches and you deserve better.

The racist claim is uncalled for. But again guys have their preferences. Even if they don’t put negative things in their descriptions, they will still not be interested in you. Racist people for the most part will always be racist. It’s a very deep rooted state of mind. Even If it isn’t on paper, it’s still in the subconscious. Again, you should thank these guys. Would you rather find out later that they’re assholes?

Racism will always exist. It’s not okay. But it just will.

Lastly, I don’t know what you expect from a site like Grindr. Since I’m not all too familiar with dating sites in general, I can imagine most of these guys only want a fuck buddy or a quick hook up. Let these guys have their preferences. Don’t rain on their parade. Honestly we have bigger masses of people to worry about than hot guys who don’t want a certain type. I’d like to say again that racism is always uncalled for and never justified. However, you have the power to not let it affect you. That is, on a scale as small as Grindr.

Guys will like who they like. If they don’t have it in their description, you’ll just end up getting your feelings hurt. And preferences are to no fault of these guys. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. Simple as that.

Again if there is any offensive content in someone’s profile, know that you deserve better. That is all.

Hmmm, I don’t think you should be crucified for writing this. I can see where you are coming from, but as I read through this post I found myself thinking: this guy needs to look into the subject more.

It’s obvious you’re not a bigotted fool, which is why I could read through what you wrote without my blood boiling! But I just think you are so new to these concepts and what you wrote was your first reaction to them. It’s a common reaction, but there are so many flaws in your statements. Nothing to be ashamed of though, just hoping you can read this and a few other things with an open mind to see that there is a lot more to this subject than meets the eye.

I absolutely agree that the guys who write racist and/or homophobic comments on their profiles are doing us a favour on some level, in terms of exposing themselves as the douchebags they are. I also commend you for not finding these terms and behaviours bothersome, for being able to rise above them. You are very chilled, obviously, and that’s a pretty good quality. 

But… and its a big BUT!!! … 

What you’re forgetting is that the racist language has a really big impact on gay people of colour. Not only do they have to deal with being gay, they also have to deal with a very large number of profiles telling them they are undesirable. This has massive psychological effect on many people of colour, and it is for that reason it’s such an unacceptable thing. Yes, most racists will always be racist. The point is not to try and change what cannot be changed. The point is to prevent them using the language that hurts so many people. We can’t force them to change their views against their wills, but at the same time people should not have to be confronted with their ignorance and bigotry when they log into Grindr. 

Falling back on the old “freedom of speech” argument is not good enough. Which one is more important? One’s freedom to insult an entire race of people, or that race’s right to live a peaceful life free of one’s insults?

Now, I’m going to make an assumption here and guess that you are white. If you are actually a person of colour I’m sorry for assuming otherwise. But I’ve met white people who said to me, “What’s wrong with people writing No Asians on Grindr? It doesn’t offend me when I read that.” Yes! I have met people who ACTUALLY said that!!! And my reply? “Of course it doesn’t offend you! Why would it? You’re not Asian!” So please try to be mindful when you tell people what they should and should not be offended by. Instead, let them tell you what they find offensive, and why they find it offensive. Listen to them with an open mind and you might understand, just 1% at least, what its like to walk in their shoes and be told at every turn “You’re ugly, I don’t find you physically attractive.” Us white people spend too much time telling people of colour what they should think and believe and feel. We need to spend more time listening to what people of colour have to say about these things.

The same goes for the homophobic language. I am FUCKING PROUD of my sexuality. I am happy being who I am. The people who follow my blog are the same. Why should we have to deal with homophobic language every time we log into Grindr, or any other gay dating site? This language reflects society’s conditioning that all of us have had to endure. Conditioning that says being straight is better than being gay, that being gay means to be a “fem/queen/girl/faggot” and that these things are undesirable. Conditioning that says unless you’re “straight” there’s something wrong with you. It’s an insult to come to any non-heterosexual space, whether that be online or in the physical world, and have to endure the insults and slights of the straight world at the hands of other gay men. Once again, its fantastic that this doesn’t get to you personally, but it gets to me, and it gets to a lot of other people. It’s depressing. It makes me miserable. It makes me feel that after all these years we as a community are getting nowhere, and it makes me feel that the homophobia of society has gotten so invasive that my gay brothers are regurgitating it when they should be rejecting it. every time I see “NO FEMMES, NO QUEENS, NO GIRLY GUYS, NO POOFS, NO LIMP WRISTS, NO LISPS” on a profile I am reminded just how much damage the hetero world has done to all of us, and I think we are really losing the fight against homophobia. This, in and of itself, is enough to call for it to end. 

You also fall into the “its just a preference / people are entitled to their preferences” loop. My blog, and the argument myself and others are making, is not for people to change their sexual preference. No one is being accused of being racist if they are not attracted to Asians or Indians or any other race. That is not what’s being said at all. What is being said is there’s a difference between “preference” and “prejudice”. There’s also a difference between not being attracted to a race of people (however close-minded that might appear to some), and broadcasting on your public profile for the whole world to see how unattracted you are to that race.

No harm will come to you if you remove NO ASIANS on your profile. No Asian males will be chasing you down the street, pinning you down, forcing you to take viagra, and then ride-raping your cock. Not gonna happen! The worst thing that could happen is a gay Asian male will send you a message. And if that happens, you can react in the same way you would if a white male who didn’t fit your “preferences” messaged you – you would either ignore the message or say “thanks, but not thanks”. Easy. Not hard at all. It’s so easy not to offend.

So to say “everyone is entitled to their preferences” ignores something just as important, and that is “everyone is entitled to enter a non-heterosexual space that is free of race-, gender-, and sexuality-based forms of discrimination.”

As for your comments about Grindr itself – sure, a large majority of its use is for hooking up. But its not just that. Its a way for isolated gay men to meet others. It’s a way for people to meet and exchange ideas. I’ve met many platonic friends on Grindr, as well as meeting people for sex. I’ve met people all around Australia who I wouldn’t have met without Grindr. I’ve started relationships through Grindr! So when you say its just for people who “want a fuck buddy”, you’re once again triviliasing something that means more than that to a lot of people. Like you said yourself, you didn’t even know about Grindr until Tumblr.

There’s so much for you to explore and read, on my blog and elsewhere. I hope you can do it with an open mind, and spend a little time contemplating why these things offend so many people. You might even want to contemplate why it is these things don’t offend you, when maybe they should? Just a thought…


This guy wrote to me asking for his face to be covered up, even though his profile is public domain. He then went on to write this:

“It’s actually kinda funny that you think I’m a homophobe. I live with a gay rights activist and have been to every march and protest. I was the event manager for mardi gras after party and my mum has PFLAG on the sunshine coast”.

Sound familiar? That’s because it is. It’s the identical argument as saying “I’m not a homophobe, one of my friends is gay” or “I’m not racist, I knew an Asian once”.

Well, with all the “gay pridin’” this guy has done, you would think a statement like “don’t be a fairy” would be the last thing one would read on his profile.

Honestly, I’m sick of these people. And this guy in particular. What is it mate? Acceptance for the “non-fairies” only? Is that your ideal gay pride and Mardi Gras and PFLAG group. Where nice, normal, masculine gays get cuddles and the fairies get told to man-up? PFFT.

A TALE OF TWO WHITE GUYS

Guy#1: shows his face (edited to protect his identity). He tells us what he likes to do. He doesn’t disparage, ridicule, or hate on anyone. His profile is exactly that: HIS PROFILE. It focuses on HIM. And what he likes. He is confident but not full of himself. He is ACTUALLY “DTE”, mainly because he doesn’t feel the need to prove anything to the world. Simple. What one could easily call a “nice” guy or “genuine”. Yes you can tell all these things from less that 120 characters.

Guy#2: won’t show his face. Is insecure, expressed through a filter of arrogance (he calls himself good looking). He lumps “campy queens and Asians” into the same “undesirable” category. As we all know these statements come from an unconscious fear of being judged for “acting gay”. Has to denigrate others to feel better about himself. Shallow, desperate, and hates himself (projected outwards).

Demanding equal rights makes some heterosexuals feel oppressed… LOL

WORDS OF AN (ALLEGED) HETEROSEXUAL:

I would like to say:
Walk through a mall holding the hand of someone of the opposite sex. Will that generate a dirty look? Bring home someone of the opposite sex to meet your family

What if it is an interracial couple they are still Hetero-Sexual but they can get dirty looks from some close minded individuals; parents who disprove based on their upbringing seen predominately with old school Euros’s.

Should we make a “Interracial Daters Parade”? Is a Gay Pride parade needed? Do you think that showcasing what is seen during the parade be acceptable? Any child can look out a window and see some things a kid could not? Is that fair for a child to be exposed to sexual acts showcased on a float. (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZKBt… Would you like your 6yr old to see that?

Does a working class wo/man have to look out his/her window and see things that he may not like to? Its one thing to want people to accept it; its another to shove it down their throats.

You want equal rights? or special treatment because last I checked having a parade was kind of special. The only other parades are for SPECIAL once in a year occasions (Christmas, Thanksgiving…etc) (jury is out on Caribana)

You want equality get rid of the fucking parade and just be YOU. There is lots of perversion on floats at the gay pride parade I’m sure the best way to win over a skeptic is to show them something that they hate to see.

Equal Rights means EQUAL not special treatment which seems to be what everyone that doesn’t feel equal aims to get.

Look at Women. Sorry ladies but you want equal rights? go do the same physical tests as a Male for careers that require them (Police/Fire Fighter…etc) because that’s equal. Different parameters compared to everyone else SPECIAL TREATMENT.

I have nothing against homosexuals but being equal is about being equal.

Straight people don’t have a parade… you were opressed and judged? well do you see African Americans with a parade (no can not use Caribana for that) they were oppressed ensalved tortured for years… yet they don’t have a “Black Pride Parade”

Keep your special parade and always whine about equal rights when all you seem to want is special treatment.

I hope in the near future everyone gets equal rights and is accepted for who they are…but it looks more like some will get special treatment for being different and eventually be accepted (tolerance is building) even though it will never be equal.

REPLY FROM A (CONFIRMED) HOMOSEXUAL, WHICH IS ME:

Thank you for spending the time and letting us all know how little you care. You have a lot of opinions about non-heterosexuals, most of which seem to be based on some idea that we are all trying to get “special treatment”. I get the sense that you feel like you are not getting special treatment as a heterosexual, and that as a result it is unfair if we get special treatment. You also seem to think that having a Pride Parade for non-heterosexuals is an example of this special treatment. You also have a lot to say about equality. So I will address everything you have said, point by point.

Firstly, you indicate that heterosexual and interracial couples also get dirty looks from “close minded individuals”. You then go on the ask why they can’t have a parade. I want to ask you, how many heterosexual couples do you know who, after showing affection in public, were harassed, beaten, or murdered because they showed affection to each other? Also, you clearly state that only “close-minded individuals” give these couples dirty looks. That would indicate to me that people who have “open minds” would not really give much thought to a couple showing affection in public. But you seem to have a problem with non-heterosexuals showing affection to each other. You complain that Pride events show nothing but “perversion” and that it isn’t fit for children to view. Pride events are always held in what you would call “downtown” areas. They are not held in the middle of christian-fuckery suburbia, where all the happy heterosexual families and their little children are playing at the park. So I want to ask you, why is your mind so closed? Why do you think that is? Because, using your own logic, only the close-minded would have a problem with people expressing affection for each other in public.

Next lets look at the “perversion” you think Pride events represent. Unfortunately for you, it is a simple fact of nature that human sexuality and sexual expression is diverse. We aren’t all “stick penis into vagina in missionary position” robots. You might be that kind of person, but not everyone else is. Non-heterosexuals have been routinely discriminated against, oppressed, and violently attacked because their sexual expression doesn’t fit with the heterosexual mainstream. Pride events remind everyone, including you, that a human’s sexuality is there own, and no person, organisation, church, or government has any right to interfere in the consensual sexual interaction of two adults. Sorry, but this is not perversion, and you have no right to judge it.

You complain that working class people and children should not have to look out of their windows and see the “perversion” of a Pride event. Here’s a funny thought! How about they DON’T look out their window during pride? I mean, it’s not like people don’t know Pride is coming! It’s not like all us queers just pop randomly out of the ground and start floating along on magic rainbow coloured carpets! From another perspective, working class people and children, many of whom BELONG to the non-heterosexual community, could look out of their windows at any time of day or night on any day of the year and be confronted with behaviour they do not like. It’s a risk we all take when we inhabit a residence that has…windows.

You also say that by showing “skeptics what they hate to see” we are failing to “win over” said skeptic. Hate to break this one to you, but we proud non-heterosexuals aren’t interested in winning over any “skeptics” (which is a funny word you choose to use instead of “bigotted ignorant homophobe”). We deserve equal rights no matter what people like you think of us. All people should have access to the same rights under the law no matter what. We shouldn’t have to grovel to the close-minded in order to be trdeate equally. That’s exactly the same as saying “Hey Black Man, you behave now, and we’ll let you ride on the bus with us clean, educated White folk. But if you march down the street, stinking like fried chicken and bacon-grease, dancing to that disgusting devil-music, and showing off your perverted relationships, then I’m sorry, but NO RIGHTS FOR YOU.” This is exactly the kind of contempt YOU are showing the non-heterosexual community right now. This is exactly the kind of close-mindedness you are exhibiting in every word you have written today.

You also complain that parades are an example of special treatment. I’ve got more bad news for you: EVERY DAY IS A STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE! Don’t believe me? Look out of your window and have a look around. Straight people everywhere, on the street, on billboards, on the television, in commercials, in the movies, in magazines, in the newspapers, on the news. EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME. But you are so homophobic, you seem to only notice when you see non-heterosexuality. Which is actually pretty rare compared to all the massive amounts of heterosexual activity you see on a daily basis. Yes, every day is Straight Pride, so back off. You can’t imagine what it’s like to be non-heterosexual, and be confronted every single day, all day, with images that do not represent you at all. Again, let’s look at people of colour as an example. It’s getting slightly better, but representation for their various races is still a tiny fraction of white representation, except of course if you look at the prisons.

You start getting more revolting as your diatribe runs on. You then move your attack to women. According to you, women are not as strong as men, so they shouldn’t be allowed to work in traditionally male dominated fields (you use fire-fighting and policing as examples). Well I am a 95kg guy who lifts weights 5 days a week, and there are some women in my gym who lift heavier weights than me. These women would be very good police or fire-fighters. Furthermore, there are many aspecs to policing that benefit from a woman’s perspective. Women have been serving in the police-force for a long time, and there have been no indications that they are not doing a good job. Women are awesome! Women are strong! And women are BETTER than men like you! Are you just pissed off because you have to cook and clean for yourself? Because you haven’t found a woman who hates herself enough that she chooses to be your slave? Seems that way to me.

You also say that African Americans don’t have a parade, so why should the non-heterosexuals have one? I say African Americans SHOULD have a parade, because they too are AWESOME. It’s weird, you say also that “Caribana” doesn’t count. I looked up Caribana, and again, it certainly does. I went to the Caribana website and it was started in 1967 to “celebrate the carnival arts and improve the economic, cultural and social position of the Caribbean Community in Toronto.” This was about 2-3 years before Gay Pride events started. Funny thing is, Pride Events and Caribana have exactly the same purpose – to celebrate their uniqueness and to improve the position of their communities. But close-minded bigots like you, who feel dispossessed and not part of a community, bitch and moan about it.

Can you imagine what would happen to you in the 60’s if you told the African Americans involved in the Civil Rights Movement to stop marching, go home, because they don’t deserve any special treatment. What if African Americans chose to march today against all the inequality they still suffer? Are you going to tell them to go home and stop their whining? (yes, you probably would tell them that, but they would slap you down because that’s what should happen to small little men like you).

You say equal rights means “equal” and “not special”. Unfortunately it’s very clear you don’t understand what the word “equal means”. In your mind, “equal” means “the same as you.” Basically, and with people like you one must talk in basics, “equality” means everyone has access to the same rights and privileges as everyone else. Not one set of rights for the heterosexual white male, and differing sets of rights and privileges for everyone else, based on what the heterosexual white male thinks is right. I hate to burst your bubble (who am I kidding, I LOVE to burst your bubble!!), but people are DIFFERENT. They are NOT the same. But they all should have the same rights and privileges, no matter what sexist homophobes like yourself want to say.

Lastly, I am wondering what you are doing coming to this blog in the first place? I am also wondering why you have such an issue with Pride events? You say you have nothing against non-heterosexuals, but after reading your sexist, homophobic rant, it’s clear that you do. Studies have proven that most homophobes have homosexual tendencies that they are in denial about. Is this you? Is this why you are obsessing over us faggots walking down the street one day out of the year with some rainbow flags and hot pants and glitter? Do you secretly want one of our hot muscle daddies to bend you over and stick it in? Are you getting hard right now knowing that I, a proud queer man, has spent so much time responding to your drivel? All I can say is see you at next year’s Pride.