Get ready, unpopular opinion time.


Running a gay porn blog on tumblr, I’ve seen a ton of posts about homophobia, racism, etc on Grindr. I didn’t even know about Grindr UNTIL tumblr.

So the problem that most people have about this site, is when guys have in their descriptions things like “no fems. No Asians.” and so on.

Let’s start with the homophobia claim.

I just can’t seem to find issue with words like “fems” or phrases like “masc guys only.” it is simply the preference of the person. And on a dating site, they are entitled to have preferences. I don’t find this offensive on any level and am not sure why people have such a problem with labels. If you are confident in yourself and who you are, the shouldn’t matter. Plus, you should thank these guys. Now you know that they’re douches and you deserve better.

The racist claim is uncalled for. But again guys have their preferences. Even if they don’t put negative things in their descriptions, they will still not be interested in you. Racist people for the most part will always be racist. It’s a very deep rooted state of mind. Even If it isn’t on paper, it’s still in the subconscious. Again, you should thank these guys. Would you rather find out later that they’re assholes?

Racism will always exist. It’s not okay. But it just will.

Lastly, I don’t know what you expect from a site like Grindr. Since I’m not all too familiar with dating sites in general, I can imagine most of these guys only want a fuck buddy or a quick hook up. Let these guys have their preferences. Don’t rain on their parade. Honestly we have bigger masses of people to worry about than hot guys who don’t want a certain type. I’d like to say again that racism is always uncalled for and never justified. However, you have the power to not let it affect you. That is, on a scale as small as Grindr.

Guys will like who they like. If they don’t have it in their description, you’ll just end up getting your feelings hurt. And preferences are to no fault of these guys. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. Simple as that.

Again if there is any offensive content in someone’s profile, know that you deserve better. That is all.

Hmmm, I don’t think you should be crucified for writing this. I can see where you are coming from, but as I read through this post I found myself thinking: this guy needs to look into the subject more.

It’s obvious you’re not a bigotted fool, which is why I could read through what you wrote without my blood boiling! But I just think you are so new to these concepts and what you wrote was your first reaction to them. It’s a common reaction, but there are so many flaws in your statements. Nothing to be ashamed of though, just hoping you can read this and a few other things with an open mind to see that there is a lot more to this subject than meets the eye.

I absolutely agree that the guys who write racist and/or homophobic comments on their profiles are doing us a favour on some level, in terms of exposing themselves as the douchebags they are. I also commend you for not finding these terms and behaviours bothersome, for being able to rise above them. You are very chilled, obviously, and that’s a pretty good quality. 

But… and its a big BUT!!! … 

What you’re forgetting is that the racist language has a really big impact on gay people of colour. Not only do they have to deal with being gay, they also have to deal with a very large number of profiles telling them they are undesirable. This has massive psychological effect on many people of colour, and it is for that reason it’s such an unacceptable thing. Yes, most racists will always be racist. The point is not to try and change what cannot be changed. The point is to prevent them using the language that hurts so many people. We can’t force them to change their views against their wills, but at the same time people should not have to be confronted with their ignorance and bigotry when they log into Grindr. 

Falling back on the old “freedom of speech” argument is not good enough. Which one is more important? One’s freedom to insult an entire race of people, or that race’s right to live a peaceful life free of one’s insults?

Now, I’m going to make an assumption here and guess that you are white. If you are actually a person of colour I’m sorry for assuming otherwise. But I’ve met white people who said to me, “What’s wrong with people writing No Asians on Grindr? It doesn’t offend me when I read that.” Yes! I have met people who ACTUALLY said that!!! And my reply? “Of course it doesn’t offend you! Why would it? You’re not Asian!” So please try to be mindful when you tell people what they should and should not be offended by. Instead, let them tell you what they find offensive, and why they find it offensive. Listen to them with an open mind and you might understand, just 1% at least, what its like to walk in their shoes and be told at every turn “You’re ugly, I don’t find you physically attractive.” Us white people spend too much time telling people of colour what they should think and believe and feel. We need to spend more time listening to what people of colour have to say about these things.

The same goes for the homophobic language. I am FUCKING PROUD of my sexuality. I am happy being who I am. The people who follow my blog are the same. Why should we have to deal with homophobic language every time we log into Grindr, or any other gay dating site? This language reflects society’s conditioning that all of us have had to endure. Conditioning that says being straight is better than being gay, that being gay means to be a “fem/queen/girl/faggot” and that these things are undesirable. Conditioning that says unless you’re “straight” there’s something wrong with you. It’s an insult to come to any non-heterosexual space, whether that be online or in the physical world, and have to endure the insults and slights of the straight world at the hands of other gay men. Once again, its fantastic that this doesn’t get to you personally, but it gets to me, and it gets to a lot of other people. It’s depressing. It makes me miserable. It makes me feel that after all these years we as a community are getting nowhere, and it makes me feel that the homophobia of society has gotten so invasive that my gay brothers are regurgitating it when they should be rejecting it. every time I see “NO FEMMES, NO QUEENS, NO GIRLY GUYS, NO POOFS, NO LIMP WRISTS, NO LISPS” on a profile I am reminded just how much damage the hetero world has done to all of us, and I think we are really losing the fight against homophobia. This, in and of itself, is enough to call for it to end. 

You also fall into the “its just a preference / people are entitled to their preferences” loop. My blog, and the argument myself and others are making, is not for people to change their sexual preference. No one is being accused of being racist if they are not attracted to Asians or Indians or any other race. That is not what’s being said at all. What is being said is there’s a difference between “preference” and “prejudice”. There’s also a difference between not being attracted to a race of people (however close-minded that might appear to some), and broadcasting on your public profile for the whole world to see how unattracted you are to that race.

No harm will come to you if you remove NO ASIANS on your profile. No Asian males will be chasing you down the street, pinning you down, forcing you to take viagra, and then ride-raping your cock. Not gonna happen! The worst thing that could happen is a gay Asian male will send you a message. And if that happens, you can react in the same way you would if a white male who didn’t fit your “preferences” messaged you – you would either ignore the message or say “thanks, but not thanks”. Easy. Not hard at all. It’s so easy not to offend.

So to say “everyone is entitled to their preferences” ignores something just as important, and that is “everyone is entitled to enter a non-heterosexual space that is free of race-, gender-, and sexuality-based forms of discrimination.”

As for your comments about Grindr itself – sure, a large majority of its use is for hooking up. But its not just that. Its a way for isolated gay men to meet others. It’s a way for people to meet and exchange ideas. I’ve met many platonic friends on Grindr, as well as meeting people for sex. I’ve met people all around Australia who I wouldn’t have met without Grindr. I’ve started relationships through Grindr! So when you say its just for people who “want a fuck buddy”, you’re once again triviliasing something that means more than that to a lot of people. Like you said yourself, you didn’t even know about Grindr until Tumblr.

There’s so much for you to explore and read, on my blog and elsewhere. I hope you can do it with an open mind, and spend a little time contemplating why these things offend so many people. You might even want to contemplate why it is these things don’t offend you, when maybe they should? Just a thought…




I totally disagree on this one. I understand why some non-heterosexuals would be offended by the word “faggot” but I think they should give it more thought. That word, the way it was used against us, the way it was forced upon us, the tone it was said with, the intent and hatred it was said with – horrible, horrible language.

But I am a strong believer in reclaiming these words for ourselves. When we claim them as our own, and start using them for our own purposes, we rob the homophobe of its power. When the gay rights movement began it immediately stripped homophobes of their legitimacy, and reclaiming the word faggot is an integral part of that.

We can use that word with pride, and also as a reminder of where we have come from, and what the older generations had to endure if they dared come out of the closet. If we stop using that word, in all is amazing applications, then we might as well hand it back over, along with a cheque and our souls too.

I love the word faggot. I love saying it, I love applying it, and I love that it is MY word. And I love that when a homophobe uses it against me, I can rip his face of because of it.

Gays in 2012 are for the most part sick, assimilationist apologists, and lacking a real identity. Faggottry, on the other hand, is still alive and well.

I don’t feel that we are “reclaiming” the word faggot since our self-hating community uses the term against one another with the same negative tone that non-homosexuals used against us originally.  The same can be said about the N word… I assume.

I don’t feel empowered.  I cringe when it’s used because I don’t feel that the weight of hate that word carries has depleted at all.  

However, I rarely hear the word faggot thrown around in the gay Asian community in general.  Clearly we are dealing with other sorts of prejudices; reclaiming “faggot” is last on our to-do list when “no asians” is thrown at us as a direct blow to our culture, heritage, appearance.  For gaysians it appears that we are trying to reclaim the word “Asian” first as a label we can “use with pride”… at least in the grindr / mainstream gay community before we tackle broader derogatory labels.

I can agree with you completely here. When “faggot” is used in the derogatory sense, it doesn’t matter who’s using it. But there is definitely power in the fact that it is taboo for heterosexuals to use the word, and not so for us.

As for your comments about Gay Asians needing to reclaim the word “Asian” before they can focus on reclaiming anything else, I’ve never thought about the issue in that way before, and I think you are absolutely right. A really great insight.

Whats worse than getting lurked on by “masc men” looking for young looking boys such as myself? -When you actually send them a picture of your face, they block you and say “not into asians”. The irony: i’m not even asian, literally 100% Spanish (from spain). Needless to say i was less than interested and infuriated at his racist manners. My sympathies go out to all racialized ethnic groups who have to face this on a daily basis and I suppose my entire life i’ve been considered “white passing” so this sudden imposed racism is quite surprising; I can only imagine how debilitating it can be to someone who encounters this regularly.